Mirrors

I have a problem seeing myself in videos. They’re so “alive”, so close to reality, they capture the weirdness of my moves so well. It’s not the right thing to say, but I get embarrassed and self aware of my disability when I watch a video. Mirrors are usually less of a problem: if you don’t move, the figure in them doesn’t move. In that sense, they’re closer to photos.

There’s only one exception to my relative comfort with mirrors: I can’t watch myself when I just wake up. Often, I feel like the character without the hearing aids, with the always-dirty glasses and in her pajamas, is not me. Something seems off. It takes 20 minutes or so of getting ready, and at some points in there I feel as if I’m turning into myself. At the end of it, I try to smile.