DisBlueCircle

  • Step By Step

    It’s somewhat confusing to get used to walking in the morning for the second time. I thought I had it all figured out – the right backpack, the right weight of things inside it, the right pants with pockets to put my phone in when I’m walking. But it was still weird to walk that way again, as if I started to forget how to do that. The speed at which my body just starts losing abilities it once had keep surprising me. However, I try to take it slow. I wake up earlier than I have so I have extra time to walk or stop to rest or drink. I keep believing it’ll get easier every day.

  • Oh, Hi There

    Hello! I haven’t been around for a long time, but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped doodling my beloved Blue Circle. Here’s a selection of new and newly-found Circles describing several moments from the past few months. I hope to expand on some of them soon, but I don’t want to force it. So for now, they’re here for us to share.

  • The Moment Before

    I started meditating back in 2020. My then-psychologist thought it would be good for my overthinking and anxiety. I re-downloaded a meditation app I gave up on and sat on the floor. It was weird, but I kept going.

    I’m still nowhere near being a lifestyle guru or even just a relatively calm person. But every now and then, when something annoying or maddening happens, I remember I don’t necessarily have to react or feel the way I instinctively want to. Sometimes this insight helps. Sometimes I’m still angry or scared or sad. But I hang on to that moment before.

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  • Cleaning

    Lately, keeping my tiny apartment clean has become more and more important to me. I guess it’s because that’s an easy way to pretend that the new week ahead, otherwise somewhat frightening, is a new beginning. I try to find the time every weekend to organize something and make my space feel a little bit cleaner.

    Yesterday I checked the expiration date on every leftover-from-takeaway ketchup and mayonnaise packet in my refrigerator and organized them in jars. Still close, of course – just not lying around the fridge anymore. I was weirdly satisfied afterwards. I take it step by step.

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  • Hugs

    I’ve been thinking a lot about hugs lately. A month ago or so, Dad stopped by to visit me. We talked for a while over coffee. I confessed that I was upset and worried. He hugged me before he left. I immediately felt better. He didn’t change the reason I was blue (pun intended) – he just made sure I know he cared and that he’s there for me.

    Obviously, I hugged my dad countless times in my life. However, first hugs with new friends are always somewhat embarrassing. I often hug people using only my left hand, because it’s too difficult to move the right one. It takes a moment for everyone to realize how this is going to work and make sure I don’t lose my balance. But whenever someone makes the effort to do so, I know they care.

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  • Dishes

    I’ve been washing my own dishes for several years now. When I’m home, my parents do them because it’s easier; when I was in boarding school, we just had to put them away and they were cleaned for us. But ever since I live alone, I cook, eat and wash. Feels like an endless cycle.

    I never liked doing this because it’s difficult to hold something in my right hand and scrub or wash with my left. I sometimes drop things: a long time ago, my parents brought me a special glass for ice coffee, and I broke it the very same day. Now I just see the dishes as a chore. Maybe that means I’m growing up.

  • More New Doodles

    I’m still trying to figure out how to fit the blog into this new, way more hectic and unpredictable version of life – but the blue circle follows me wherever I go. I keep doodling one every night before I go to bed. Here’s a new batch, collecting some of the new additions (check out the doodles page for the full gallery).

  • New Doodles

    This isn’t a regular post – I’m just popping in to say that I added more doodles to the (not so) new doodles page. They don’t all relate to disability, but they are about life, so I believe they deserve a place here as well. In case you want to only see the new doodles, here they are in a separate gallery/slideshow right here.

  • Take A Walk

    A side effect of the fact I’m back with my parents, with no kind of study (or rather just existence) routine to hold on to, is that I don’t move. Most of the physical activity I usually do has to do with moving around because I have to, not because I intend to. I walk from the dorms to campus, I walk on campus, I walk back home. I meet a friend in the other side of town, so I walk to and from the bus stations. That kind of movement. All of that is gone now, reduced to walking to the kitchen and back.

    Turns out staying still means losing functionality. I struggle with things I could easily do, such as getting up from sitting or talking while walking. To cover for all that missing activity, Mom and I take a walk every now and then. She helps me get around (or up or down) obstacles. I try to talk.

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  • Position

    The longer I stay at my childhood home, the more details pop and need to be taken care of. I realized I needed another grabbing bar outside of my shower. Not that my shower didn’t have any to begin with: it was designed specifically to meet my needs… When I was six years old and we moved here. Time flies, but grabbing bars are forever relevant.

    Security isn’t something to be taken lightly, so Mom bought a new grabbing bar. One day, after I woke up, we tried to decide where exactly to attach it. Mom held it against the wall. I tried exiting the shower and was happy with the height. I then sat on the floor and held my left arm up. “Oh,” said Dad, who passed by to check what’s going on, “You’re trying the ‘I fell down’ scenario?”